The Mystery of Marriage
Soldiers Returning Home
Lutheran Counseling Center as Faith Based
Do You Value Yourself Enough?
Changing Old Ideas About Aging
Spirituality and Trauma in a Post 9/11 World
Counseling in a Post 9/11 World
A Ministry of Faith and Healing in a Post 9/11 World
Discipleship Not Punishment for your Children
Communicating with your Teen
More Than The Holiday Blues
Getting the Love You Want from your Marriage
A Perspective on Faith and Healing
Going to College: And Equal Opportunity Stressor
When the Gladness of Marriage Becomes Overcast
Anger: The Passionate Messenger
Got the Winter Blues?
The Power of Failure
ANXIOUS TIMES FOR AMERICANS
Kirk A. Bingaman, Ph.D
| .We are living in anxious times. Americans, on the one hand, have always lived with a certain amount of anxiety, yet, on the other hand, there is something different about the anxiety that we are presently experiencing. It is almost as if September 11, 2001 represents a sort of “continental divide” in American life and history, that on this side of September 11 the times in which we live have become, increasingly, more complicated and confusing. Sometimes we can hear ourselves asking, Where is God in all of this? What is God doing in our nation and world? Could it be that, as we read in Isaiah 43:19, God is once again doing a new thing in our world? We turn on cable television news in the evening, hoping to get our bearings with various local, national, and global events. Instead, we find ourselves becoming more anxious and disoriented and in certain cases overwhelmed by the “breaking news” of the talking heads. Whether it is CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, and so forth, we are bombarded with one crisis after another and, as if that were not enough, with analysis and commentary that sometimes borders on fear mongering. Our emotional, psychological, and spiritual capacities become saturated; it can feel as if they are pushed to their limits and that we are in over our heads. We hear the news about, to name just a few, terrorism and rumors of terrorism, the effects of global warming and long-term atmospheric change, immigration, the housing market, health care, and the national and global economy. As I point out in my new book, Treating the New Anxiety: A Cognitive-Theological Approach, we have awakened in recent years to a very different world that we have not yet learned to look at. The question is, where do we turn to regain our balance and a sense of hope about the present and the future? Where do we go to reorient ourselves in the midst of a world that often feels strangely unfamiliar? How do we as individuals, couples, families, and communities of faith live with a sense of purpose and meaning even in a time of great change and transition? It is a privilege for me to be part of the staff of the Lutheran Counseling Center, which is an important resource for helping people maintain and/or regain their emotional, relational, and spiritual balance and equilibrium in these anxious times. True to its stated mission, the Lutheran Counseling Center continues to be, in this age of anxiety, a healing ministry of the church offering health, hope, and wholeness by serving individuals, families, congregations, and our community. |
| Couple relationships often begin so magically, romantically and wonderfully fulfilling. Falling in love feels so magical – he/she is “the wind beneath my wings.” Everyday is Valentine’s Day. Like Cinderella and the Prince, it feels like we’re going to live happily ever after. But ... why do so many couple relationships go sour? What goes wrong in so many marriages? Why doesn’t the magic and happiness last? As Vince Gill, the country-music singer, asks, “Why do you get that sad look on your face? Why do you pull away from my embrace? Why do you see all my faults and my mistakes? Oh I wish I knew the reason why?” Have you ever wondered “why” – why marriage can be so great and so difficult all at the same time? The Lutheran Counseling Center is offering congregations and schools a number of workshops for understanding and improving couple relationships by introducing Imago Relationships skills. Imago offers a way through the romantic and power-struggle stages towards a deeply connected and intimate relationship. It offers relationship skills for overcoming defensive reactivity and for entering into compassionate and understanding dialogue with your partner, working together toward personal growth and healing. For couples who have a good relationship, Imago offers further insights into ways to make it even better. God created and designed marriage for deep connection, growth and healing. Strengthening marriages can be a very important ministry of the Church. A one hour workshop, The Mystery of Marriage, might be offered in your congregation during a Sunday morning education hour or as a special evening program. For schools, it would be an excellent PTA seminar for parents. A more extensive three hour workshop, Imago Connects, might be offered instead as an evening or weekend program for your church or for school parents. Both workshops are for couples, singles, or anyone else who’s interested in relationship skills. They combine spiritual and psychological perspectives to help participants better understand the value, difficulty and potential of couple relationships and to help participants begin to learn connecting relationship skills. Further information on these workshops is available by calling the Lutheran Counseling Center at 516-741-0994 or at 800-317-1173 |
SOLDIERS RETURNING HOME . . . TRAUMA EFFECTIVELY TREATED
BY COUNSELING CENTER STAFF
By: Rev. Donald Hillyard, D.Min.
We all hear daily about the growing numbers of young American men and women killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. What we hear less about are the mental health implications for tens of thousands of our young people who are returning from traumatic experiences while serving our country. Symptoms can be severe and may include any of the following: sleep disturbances, including waking frequently and/or nightmares; problems concentrating or focusing; hyper vigilance; flashbacks of combat or disturbing events; forgetfulness; being easily startled; irritability and being prone to sudden anger and emotional outbursts; panic attacks; physical pain—especially in joints or muscles with no obvious cause; remaining obsessed with wartime events; emotional numbness; detachment from family or friends; avoidance of any reminders of the war or past traumatic experiences; depression; low self-esteem; and undue fear of the unknown.
After World Wars I and II, soldiers returning home were said to be “in shell shock” or to be suffering from “battle fatigue”. It wasn’t until after the Vietnam War that the term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was first used. In fact, in 1980, the American Psychological Association first included PTSD in its official diagnostic manual of mental illness. Now, and especially since the 9-11 Disaster, PTSD has become a well-known term used by anyone affected severely by trauma and is used by mental health professionals as well as the average person on the street.
My nephew, Gary R. Hann PsyD, is a psychologist at the Augusta, Ga. Veteran’s Administration Medical Center, working with this population and recently reported, “Statistics from the Veteran’s Health Administration (VHA) Office of Public Health and Environmental Hazards (2004) indicate that soldiers returning from Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF) experience a wide range of physical and psychological problems. The most common complaints in order of frequency include musculoskeletal ailments (joint and back disorders), diseases of the digestive system, ill defined symptoms and conditions, diseases of the nervous system, and mental health disorders. Mental health symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress (PTS) . . . have the potential for impairing daily functioning and causing pain symptoms.”
A recent article by Charles W. Hoge, M.D., in The New England Journal of Medicine says “one in eight returning soldiers suffers from Post-traumatic Stress (PTS) but less than half with problems seek help. The most important thing we can do for service members who have been in combat is to help them understand that the earlier they get help when they need it, the better off they will be. Soldiers cited concerns about how they would be seen by peers and potential damage to their careers.” However, stigmas associated with pursuing mental health therapy are usually effectively erased by successful treatment that results in the PTSD victim returning to normal activities of daily life.
The future for these soldiers returning home does not have to be bleak. For those who seek professional help for PTSD, cessation of initial symptoms is often experienced in six weeks to three months after beginning mental health therapy. We are especially blessed at the Lutheran Counseling Center to have all of our psychotherapists trained in Traumatology. In addition, two therapists are trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) which has also been proven to be highly effective in treating PTSD.
If you or anyone you know is in need of counseling support, please call the Lutheran Counseling Center at 516-741-0994 or e-mail us at lcc132@aol.comor visit our web site at www.lcc132.org. The LCC has eight counseling sites located in the metropolitan New York area and outlying communities.
DO YOU VALUE YOURSELF ENOUGH?by Rev. Ronald Lehenbauer, D.Min.
LCC Staff Psychotherapist
Someone may be thinking, "I doubt that! I know lots of people with big egos who seem to value themselves too much." Or someone else may be thinking, "God doesn't want us to self-righteously overvalue ourselves. He wants us to be humble and confess our faults and sins."
But I'm thinking that God wants most of us to value ourselves more.
There's no doubt about how much God values each one of us! The whole Bible and countless verses in it testify to that foundational truth. God, our Creator-Father, who created us in His own image, says, "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands." (Isaiah 49:15-16) Jesus, of course, is the ultimate proof of how much we are valued. "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love." (John 15:9)
This is the Core Value that every human being is born with. You are unique, precious, of infinite, eternal, unchanging value, good, beautiful, lovable and full of potential. And nothing and no one can take your core value from you. (See Romans 8:35-39)
But we can get out of touch with our core value, who we are as a child of God, which can get us into a lot of trouble.
When you have a burst of anger and lose your temper ... or when you strike out at your spouse in the midst of a highly emotional argument ... or when you loose control of your drinking ... or when you are feeling depressed or anxious about something in your life ... or when you're feeling very resentful toward someone whom you feel has mistreated you ... those are all signs that YOU ARE NOT VALUING YOURSELF ENOUGH.
That's what Steven Stosny, a well-known psychologist who has treated over 4000 people with anger, resentment, and various other relationship problems states. I've spent some time with him in a number of workshops and have been studying his work. I've been impressed with how helpful and effective his ideas are in my counseling with individuals and with couples. You may want to pick up his latest book, You Don't Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One (New York: Free Press, 2006).
Anger and resentment, for example, are automatic defenses our human minds use to help us cope with core hurts we are feeling. Those core hurts (like feeling disregarded, shameful, powerless, inadequate, or unlovable) are too painful to feel for very long. Feeling core hurts obviously takes us to a self-devaluing place. So our minds automatically take us to a place where we can feel some power; an aggressive impulse strikes us, and then comes the anger, which gives us a false sense of power for a time - but usually a very short time.
The solution is to learn how to self-regulate our own emotions, to train our minds to automatically go somewhere else when our core hurts are struck - to go to our core value, which will then take us to a place of compassion - for ourselves and toward others.
Of course this is easier said than done. But Stosny has developed a therapeutic process, called "HEALS", which can train our mind to automatically do just that. It's a mental exercise I personally use and have taught to others. Many have found it very helpful. It includes creating a Core Value Bank for yourself and making withdrawals from time to time as needed. (The marvelous thing is that the balance never goes down when you make withdrawals from this bank.)
Sometimes some of us find ourselves in a weak mode of self (feeling helpless, dependent, depressive, etc.). Using "HEALS", remembering our core value, can help us move to a powerful mode of self (feeling competent, compassionate, creative, nurturing etc.).
Most of us don't want our lives centered around our core hurts and negative emotions like anger. We want our lives centered in our core value - a very precious gift of God - and in compassion. One of our goals at the Lutheran Counseling Center is to assist individuals and couples and families in the counseling process to do just that.
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CHANGING OLD IDEASABOUT AGING
by Rev. Antholy Stephens, Ph.D
LCC Staff Psychotherapist
Youth may be venerated; however if it is stripped of its Holy Grail status and each moment of aging is given its personal and cultural respect, one can get a very different view. Aging can be viewed not so much as decay, but also as growth. This view can be acquired even in the face of the slowing down of the body and mind, or even death itself. To get to this perspective the experiences gained in earlier and generally more optimum levels of wellness must now be applied to new realities. It means adjusting from an idealized sense of how one would like things to be to working with how things actually are. This is similar to dealing with all of life’s previous transitions. As one ages therefore, one gains more and more experience.
The various developmental tasks of aging follow a trajectory of “boldly going” where one personally has not gone before. Often this adjustment involves rising to meet the challenges of adversity. This journey is accomplished by refining skills and knowledge gained at previous times in life, together with selecting those capacities (physical, mental, spiritual) that are most resilient. This bolsters a general sense of worth and value, and is actually a routine coping skill. Putting this all together gracefully clearly is an adventure and, when successfully navigated, provides a sense of pride and accomplishment.
Of course, there is risk. Adventures can be daunting just as much as they can be exciting and invigorating. It is certainly easy to sense being stuck—unable to go back and afraid of what lies ahead. The processes of aging can be a source of grief. At such a time guidance becomes especially useful. Counseling helps work through feeling stuck and grief; moving towards acceptance, and on to a renewed sense of life. At the Lutheran Counseling Center staff therapists don’t pretend to know “the” way; but in therapeutic work are often able to transform a sense of dread into a sense of possibility and even anticipation. Such a transformation can re-frame aging from being a curse to being an adventure. In this regard the Lutheran Counseling Center stands ready to serve.
An important adjunct to the Center’s practice is the Ammerman House. Part of the Ammerman House’s mission is to address health and wellness issues for the elderly; for instance offering social and educational programs. The Ammerman House special programs and the routine practice of staff counselors clearly demonstrate the Lutheran Counseling Center’s commitment to providing guidance and support throughout lifespan development.
If you or anyone you know is in need of counseling support, please call the Lutheran Counseling Center at 516-741-0994 or e-mail us at lcc132@aol.com or click on depression-screen on the menu on the left for a free confidential Depression Screening that you can take in the the privacy of your own home.
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 SPIRITUALITY AND TRAUMA IN A POST 9/11 WORLD Adapted from the research project article by The Rev. Serge Castigliano, Ph.D., LCC Clinical Supervisor The foundation for the spiritual aspects of trauma, crisis, and recovery involves one’s fundamental beliefs about God. Placing faith and trust in a loving and just God is one of the most common coping behaviors for life’s challenges. One of the grave dangers of trauma is the prospect of the loss of this belief. Helping clients to hold or recover this belief is an important task for the counseling process at LCC as this belief provides a basic frame of reference for faith to be a source of hope, comfort and a basis for recovery. This can be a very challenging task, especially in the face of an enormous tragedy like 9/11 and the awesome question of “how can a loving God allow such a thing?” lingers on. Nevertheless, the spiritual orientation of LCC counselors is rooted in Biblical themes that teach that in the midst of chaos there is new creation; in the midst of darkness a light appears; in the midst of death there is re-birth. This orientation ultimately frames the trauma—even with all its existential issues of loss, suffering, pain, etc.—as holding significant potential for personal renewal and transformations. This orientation is not a cheap optimism that ignores grief and its attendant emotions, but rather one that embraces these experiential aspects as a natural part of the recovery process. The key spiritual areas impacted by trauma can be identified as follows: These impacts are not always positive. For some the negative impacts can be life-long—with limited or no recovery. For others the trauma provides a base for life-long changes in beliefs, purpose, meaning, and values. The spiritual/theological base for LCC counselors embraces the view that all traumas are soulful, offering natural spiritual windows and yearnings for healing and renewal. I waited patiently for the Lord; |
THE SPIRITUAL DIMENSIONS OF THE LUTHERAN COUNSELING CENTER AS A FAITH-BASED COUNSELING CENTERSerge Castigliano, PhD
Clinical Pastoral Supervisor
The Lutheran Counseling Center (LCC) proclaims its mission to be a faith-based Christian pastoral counseling center. This aspect of its self-understanding grounds its counseling services in long-standing Christian traditions that link faith, religion and spirituality with healing and coping with life’s sufferings and struggles.
In recent years an ever-increasing quantity of persuasive empirical research data has emerged to demonstrate that religious faith and spiritual dimensions play a significant role in influencing health and healing. In keeping with both these emerging new insights and with the long standing Christian healing heritage, LCC holds that spirituality has a major place in counseling and psychotherapy and seeks both new and old ways to emphasize the spiritual in the care and treatment of persons.
LCC embraces the spiritual dimensions of its services within a particular framework of self-understanding, which can be identified in the following categories:
1. THE FAITH-BASED CHRISTIAN IDENTITY OF THE AGENCY
2. CHRISTIAN VOCATIONAL IDENTITY OF PRACTIONERS
3. EXPLICIT ADDRESSING OF SPIRITUAL MATTERS IN COUNSELING PROCESS.
1. THE FAITH-BASED CHRISTIAN IDENTITY OF THE AGENCY
The client’s awareness of the agency’s faith-based identity is important to establishing a foundational base for the counseling process. Typically, this identity fosters trust and confidence, especially if service locations are in a church or specific religiously identified space---which is the case for all LCC’s service locations. The symbolic effect of entering a church---a holy place designed to engage persons with the divine---establishes a spiritual context for the personal reflections of the counseling process. Such awareness may well be subliminal and never overtly discussed. Nevertheless, this dimension is of vital significance as it invites the client to recognize that for LCC the relationship of faith and spirituality to the distress is a natural part of the process.
This context also symbolizes the role of the church and religious community in the care and treatment of the sick----not only those with physical illnesses, but also with those experiencing emotional troubles and spiritual afflictions. It makes a statement that God cares and that God desires to be involved---thus establishing the potential for heightened awareness of spirituality.
The agency seeks to make the distinctively Christian base of its identity visible and central in all marketing and promotion, as well as in the self-understanding of board, staff, and volunteers. Further, of equal importance is the presence of an orientation that stresses ecumenical and multi-faith inclusivity as a natural and well-integrated part of this identity. Sensitivity and respect for the views of other religious traditions are an essential part of the agency’s ethos. Orienting the client about who/what LCC is, and on what religious/spiritual ground it stands, is an important part of establishing the spiritual context for services. Thus, for example, by coming to LCC the client encounters this particular spirituality—namely, one that embraces and respects all religious backgrounds, or even none at all. This encounter impacts the counseling experience and process. For some it provides relief and confidence; others may experience challenge, even tension.
Of course, many other beliefs and values are present and encountered by the client in the symbolism of the agency’s identity. These serve as prehensive elements in the counseling process----potentially evoking feelings, impressions, thoughts, etc. that intrinsically become grist for the mill.
In summary, the effects of agency identity and location on the client’s therapy process should not be underestimated---even if not brought to awareness in the process.
2. THE CHRISTIAN VOCATIONAL IDENTITY OF PRACTIONERS
In addition to Master’s level training in mental health and psychotherapy, required qualifications for LCC counseling staff also include Master’s level education in theology and/or religious studies--- with ordination as clergy, or a comparable “setting apart” as a diaconal minister or similar vocational identity, being strongly preferred. Further, there is an expectation that staff have an integrated vocational identity, that is understand themselves to be functionally competent in their roles both as religious/pastoral practitioner and as mental health practitioner. The ability to function pastorally as well as a counselor-therapist is essential.
Consequently, counseling staff members bring significant expertise in their ability to think theologically about areas such as interpersonal relationships, human suffering, stress, trauma and relationship with the transcendent---along with the ability to integrate the spiritual dimension with insights and practices from psychology and the behavioral sciences.
This vocational identity, honed with these integrated competencies, differentiates the counseling services provided by such practitioners from many other mental health practitioners and forms a distinctive orientation to the counseling process. For such practitioners the process is framed with fundamental Christian beliefs and values. For Christians this vocational identity represents a calling by God and the community to serve as a representative of Jesus Christ. Jesus is the idealized figure who stands at the center of all Christian religion as the powerless hero of love, giving and sharing. He used no violence, did not want to rule, did not orient himself around acquiring, but rather offered himself as a model of sacrificial love on behalf of the community. This is the exact opposite of the “pagan” hero who seeks life fulfillment in power, glory and fame---in being the best killer or acquirer. This opposite orientation is common in our culture, and framing the counseling process based on a different vocational identity is one of the key ways the spiritual aspect is integrated at LCC.
To illustrate, the counselor with this vocational foundation brings a belief that the client was uniquely created by a loving God and has intrinsic value apart from skills, talents, appearance, position, etc. The counselor also believes that nothing the client has done changes this fundamental worth---that life in the future has meaning, value and purpose despite the past. The counselor believes there is forgiveness and renewal of life…and that all people by virtue of being created in the image of God have spiritual or religious impulses at some level of consciousness. These impulses, as Erich Fromm has said, can give persons the energy they need to bring about fundamental personal and social change, and thus fulfill a basic inner human need. This spiritual dimension is the aspect of humanity that connects us to God.
The thesis here is that the identity, beliefs and pastoral ministry orientation of the counselor—whether overtly evident and explicit or not---establish a context and framework for the counseling client that significantly impacts the spiritual dimensions of the counseling process.
3. EXPLICIT ADDRESSING OF SPIRITUAL MATTERS IN COUNSELING
LCC is committed to helping people find emotional, relational and spiritual healing and wholeness with a variety of therapeutic approaches and techniques. These generally are defined by the training and inclination of the therapist—but also by the needs of the client. Similarly, the approaches taken by individual counselors to address spiritual matters, as well as understandings of what is meant by spiritual, vary with individual counselors. Further, all the varied means and methods used to address the spiritual aspects of the counseling process need to be sensitively related to the faith traditions and beliefs of the clients. Overall, the common denominator is to connect to the fundamental spiritual grounding of the client. What ultimately identifies a therapeutic activity as pastoral counseling is the spirituality of the process.
When the client introduces specific religious or spiritual language or images, or makes specific requests, then the task of addressing the issues from that perspective typically is easier---though not always. Addressing the spiritual dimensions explicitly requires careful and sensitive approaches. It has been said that talking truthfully about one’s spiritual side is more anxiety producing than doing so about one’s sexuality.
Given the sensitivities in this area, any introduction of religious language or images by the counselor can reasonably be termed a “spiritual intervention”. This terminology puts the introduction on a parallel with other psychotherapeutic interventions, such as those of a psychological or other orientation. It is good clinical as well as pastoral practice to obtain verbal consent when engaging in a “spiritual intervention”. When consent is broadly framed, the counselor can have wide latitude in introducing religious resources such as theological reflection, Biblical verses or images, and spiritual connections.
Consent may not be needed for some fundamental inquiries, since they can be presumed to be part of the contextual framework for the counseling process. For example, questions like…”Do your religious beliefs or faith have any bearing on all this? Or, “How do you see or understand God as part of this?” Or, “Is there a spiritual dimension for you in this?---generally do not need consent. Other interventions, such as reading a Bible verse, offering to pray, or challenging a client with a perceived discrepancy between stated beliefs and behavior, usually warrant consent. A typical consent request may be…”Is it OK if I address this with religious language? Or, I have a religious belief that I think addresses this, is it OK if I share it with you”
The fundamental spiritual orientation of LCC counseling means that life’s struggles---such as with love (loving and being loved), forgiveness(giving and receiving forgiveness), guilt, self-worth, sin, hope, salvation, and many others---are viewed in theological and religious perspective, and dealing with them within that perspective is understood to be essential to the process. Therefore, these matters need to be introduced and addressed somehow. This is done not by trying to impart concepts from the depth of the wisdom of the counselors via lectures, sermons, videos, etc., but rather questions are used, and lots of them. The questions are not simply to obtain information, but to stimulate reflection and encourage clients to ask and answer these questions of themselves. Engaging these life issues is part of a lifelong journey that becomes the engine of continual spiritual development, otherwise known in classic theological language as sanctification.
REFLECTIONS ON SPIRITUALITY AND TRAUMA
The foundation for the spiritual aspects of trauma, crisis and recovery involves one’s fundamental beliefs about God. Placing faith and trust in a loving and just God is one of the most common coping behaviors for life’s challenges. One of the grave dangers of trauma is the prospect of the loss of this belief. Helping clients to hold or recover this belief is an important task for the counseling process as this belief provides a basic frame of reference for faith to be a source of hope, comfort and a basis for recovery.
The spiritual orientation of LCC counselors is based on Biblical themes that teach that in the midst of chaos there is new creation; in the midst of darkness a light appears; in the midst of death there is re-birth. This orientation ultimately frames the trauma---even with all its existential issues of loss, suffering, pain, etc.--- as holding significant potential for personal renewal and transformations.
The key spiritual areas impacted by trauma can be identified as follows:
• Transitions in beliefs
• Changes in life purpose and meaning
• Clarifying values
Even the casual observer realizes that these impacts are not always positive.
For some the negative impacts can be life-long---with limited or no recovery. For others the trauma provides a base for life-long changes in beliefs, purpose, meaning and values. LCC counselors have many stories of 911 counseling clients who have experienced such transformations. Seeking new occupations, vocations, partners, locations, activities of meaning, relational healing, etc. are but a few examples.
It has been said that the two greatest obstacles to spirituality are health and security. This implies that illness/injury and insecurity are more like windows than obstacles to the spiritual dimension of life. As is said, there are no atheists in foxholes. The spiritual/theological base for LCC counselors embraces the view that all traumas are soulful, offering natural spiritual windows and yearnings for healing and renewal.
I waited patiently for the LORD;
He turned to me and heard my cry;…
He set my feet upon a rock
And gave me a firm place to stand
He put a new song in my mouth,
A hymn of praise to our God…..Psalm 40: 1-3
LCC CONTINUES TO COUNSEL PEOPLE AFFECTED BY 9/11Rev. Dr. Donald H. Hillyard
LCC psychotherapist
Joe is a busy corporate executive who commutes daily by subway into Manhattan. On September 11th his wife was working on one of the upper floors of the World Trade Center and miraculously escaped by traveling down the dark and smoky stairways of the collapsing building.
Three years after the event, subway travel continued to be a source of increased anxiety and panic for Joe, particularly after the Madrid train bombing. Referred to us by his concerned pastor, Joe is now receiving therapy at the Lutheran Counseling Center in the form of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. This treatment has helped to reduce his anxiety and enhance his ability to cope with the post- 9/11 world..
Joe represents thousands of persons in the New York area with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms that are undiagnosed and untreated three full years after the 9/11/2001 atrocity. They have not found their way to professional help and are suffering clinical levels of anxiety and panic without knowing what is wrong, where to go for help, or how to alleviate the symptoms.
Many parish ministers and educators are recognizing clinical levels of anxiety, depression and PTSD symptoms in parishioners and students that are a result of 9/11 and are continuing to refer them to the Center for help.
HELP IS AVAILABLE
Some funding is still available, through Lutheran Disaster Response of New York (LDRNY) and the caring Lutheran community nationwide to offer professional diagnosis and treatment to deserving clients. The Center continues to offer a professional ministry to these individuals.
The Lutheran Counseling Center has therapists specifically trained in PTSD, EMDR, Field and Disaster Traumatology, Cognitive behavioral therapy, and other treatment modes that address the needs of this population. Moreover, spiritual care that is not just reactive, responding to what happened and rebuilding what was, but proactive, building toward a vision of the future and working for a transformed world, is a vital part of our faith-based therapeutic offering.
THE RECOVERY PROCESS
Three stages in the recovery process for 9/11 clients in the New York area are being addressed by clinicians at the Center.
• The establishment of emotional safety for clients.
• Remembrance and mourning of personal and community losses.
• Reconnection with ordinary life as much as that is possible.
Atrocities such as 9/11 create conditions of despair, disease, grief, alienation, loss of identity and meaning, frustration, restlessness, and a lack of direction and purpose. Our statistics show these conditions to continue to be widespread in the New York area. These conditions manifest themselves in numbness, exhaustion, preoccupation, guilt, resistance, denial by doing,
blame of self and others, and loss of confidence. The Center continues to see clients daily with these conditions.
The above conditions cause behaviors that include stress reactions, depression, high anxiety and panic, acting out and abuse. These behaviors continue to be recognized and treated by pastoral psychotherapists at the Center.
We continue to see clients of all the gradients of impact of the 9/11 disaster, namely, the injured, families of casualties, first responders, members of special teams, relief volunteers, media, and the community at large.
With eight counseling sites over the metropolitan New York area, LCC, continues to see clients experiencing all four phases of recovery, namely the Heroic phase (psychosomatic symptoms, little regard for self-care), the Honeymoon phase (insomnia, intrusive thoughts), the Disillusionment phase (substance abuse, acting out) and the Reconstruction phase (pockets of vulnerability, PTSD).
We have discovered over the past three years that therapy and spiritual care are different after an atrocity. We are seeing in our clients that resolution of the trauma of 9/11 is never complete—the traumatic event is never forgotten and may and often does resurface during important lifecycle events (marriage, divorce, birth, death in the family, illness, and retirement).
A SEARCHING QUESTION
At the Lutheran Counseling Center of Metropolitan New York over the past three years we have learned to value the words of Judith Herman, “The traumatic event challenges an ordinary person to become a theologian, a philosopher, and a jurist. The survivor is called upon to articulate the values and beliefs that she once held and the trauma destroyed. She stands mute before the emptiness of evil, feeling the insufficiency of any known system of explanation. Survivors of atrocities of every age and every culture come to a point in their testimony where all questions are reduced to one, spoken more in bewilderment than is outrage: WHY?
The answer is beyond human understanding.”
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| A MINISTRY OF FAITH AND HEALING IN A POST 9/11 WORLD |
| The Lutheran Counseling Center has just completed a research project funded by Lutheran Disaster Response of New York (LDRNY) to study data and summarize findings related to our clients affected by the tragic events of 9/11 over the past four years. The research is based on a total of 233 LDRNY funded clients. The Center also saw another 250 private pay clients who were negatively affected by 9/11. Our statistics show that the most common emotional reaction to 9/11 by these ethnically diverse clients is anxiety in its many diagnostic forms: Post-traumatic Stress, Generalized Anxiety, Adjustment Disorder, etc. 85% of these clients were identified as experiencing some degree of depression upon intake. The good news is that our statistics indicate a 25% to 30% decrease in initial symptoms following a brief period of counseling therapy. Even though this research relates only to clients who were seen between 9/11/01 and 9/11/05, the Center has realized a surge of new 9/11 clients since 9/11/2005 who are just beginning to address their post-traumatic symptoms. This supports national research results indicating the surfacing of post-traumatic stress for many affected people at the 3 to 5 year period after a traumatic event has occurred. |
DISCIPLESHIP
NOT PUNISHMENT
IS KEY FOR PARENTS
by Gina Roes, M.A., LCC Psychotherapist
One of the most difficult tasks of being a parent is learning effective techniques of disciplining children. Most people either use the same techniques their parents used or they tend to overcompensate for parenting methods they did not like, either by becoming stricter or more lenient in discipline. Parents are many times amazed that discipline can be approached in a practical, less emotional manner, increasing children’s levels of responsibility by teaching them to accept the logical consequences of their own choices.
Rather than forcing children to comply with your demands when they misbehave, try offering them choices that have logical consequences instead. For example:
1. Would you like to clean your room today or cancel your play date?
2. Would you like to speak to me in a different tone, or would you like to lose your TV privilege for 24 hours?
Allowing children to make choices helps them to learn self-control and teaches them to associate the choices they make with the logical consequences that follow. When used consistently over time, children not only become more responsible but also feel more empowered to handle their own problems.
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by John Bahr, Dean of Students, Concordia College
and Betty Geiling, LCC Psychotherapist
Although most who have been there do not wish to return; memories of the teen years are often etched with excitement. For the teen, it’s a time of trial, the transition from childhood to becoming an adult. For parents, it can be trying times, as they observe the process of transformation unfolding.
Here are three quick watchwords for parents who want to keep the lines of communication open during days that can be quite challenging and rewarding as well.
ASK: The culture claims “don’t ask, don’t tell” – but asking teens about what’s happening in their lives is essential. They won’t offer much and don’t expect too much in response. Keep asking, with as little judgment as possible, and at the very least you will be signaling that you are interested and willing to listen.
AFFIRM: Their need to be affirmed as they carve out an identity of their own is huge, and they need you to affirm them. While listening, you may not always like what you hear. It’s okay to say so, but keep in mind that they have an incomplete understanding of the world and their place in it. Your help in exploring ideas and options will be appreciated much more than you’d expect. Research suggests that teens place high value on your experience, particularly when it addresses difficult choices they may be facing, and it assures them that it’s okay to go their own way.
ALLOW: As the word suggests, you still have control – but now is also time to loosen your grip and sometimes even let go. You know what’s best for them, but they need to make that discovery for themselves. Keep in mind that we learn more when things don’t necessarily go according to plan, perhaps even more when things go awry.
Still, teens want to be trusted, and this is a time to trust that the values you have been sharing for years have taken root and will serve them well in times of need.
Research shows that teens who maintain close relationships with their parents usually make healthier choices as they navigate the journey to adulthood. You have choices too: ask, affirm, allow.
MORE THAN THE HOLIDAY BLUES
by Rev. Martha Jacobi, LCSW
LCC Staff Psychotherapist
The “Holiday Blues” and the “New Year Blahs” are familiar, if uninvited, guests for many people in December and early January. Despite their joy at Jesus’ coming, they may also experience various stressors of the season, such as family tension or financial strain. In addition, the coming of a new year encourages self-evaluation in the present, reflection on the past, and focus on resolutions for the future. For most people, the “Blahs and Blues” diminish as the holiday season wanes, the trees are dismantled, and nativity sets are returned to storage until next year.
The Winter Slump
For some 10-20% of people in the US it’s not so simple. Their depressed mood, lethargy, and craving for sweets and starches may begin well before Advent and last until Easter or beyond. It comes every year, especially in northern regions, as the hours of daylight dwindle. People who suffer from these depressive symptoms, recurring for several months each year, may be suffering from a condition called “Seasonal Affective (mood) Disorder” or SAD. SAD is quite unrelated to the “Blahs and Blues” but is often confused with them. This confusion is not surprising, because January and February are often experienced as the most difficult months for people with SAD.
The Reality of SAD
It is important to remember that SAD is a real condition. Its symptoms can range from mild to severe, and may require treatment. Recent research links SAD to a biochemical imbalance in the brain that is triggered by the reduced amount of sunlight occurring in the winter months. Women and younger people have a higher risk for SAD than do men.
There is Good News!
The good news about SAD is that it is highly treatable. Many people with SAD find that simply increasing their exposure to daylight reduces their
symptoms. This can be done either outside or inside where windows are available. For those with more severe symptoms, special lamps can be obtained for light therapy (“photo therapy”). As with all forms of depression, daily, sustained exercise (for example, a thirty-minute walk) is likely to bring some relief. Psychotherapy and/or medication therapy can also be helpful and effective for some.
Restoration of Joy
SAD is, by definition, a recurring and seasonal condition, making it important to notice one’s own particular symptom pattern, and to seek help as early as possible. To this end, the Lutheran Counseling Center can assist you in identifying and treating SAD. Our ministry and prayer is for those who suffer from SAD to find their joy restored!
Light in the Midst of Darkness
As the Scripture reminds us: In the beginning when God created the heavens and the earth...darkness covered the face of the deep. Then God said, Let there be light; and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. Just so, St. John proclaims: The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.
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GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT:
IMAGO RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING
by Rev. Dr. Ronald Lehenbauer
Lcc Staff Pyschotherapist
You’ve probably heard the dismal statistics: Over 50% of marriages now end in divorce. Maybe you’ve wondered, Why? Does it have to be this way in our times and culture? Can anything be done about it?
Perhaps it’s even more personal for you. You’re in an unhappy relationship or you’ve experienced the turmoil and pain of a separation or divorce, and you’re wondering if you could be doing something different?
So many couples are drawn to each other and fall in love and are so happy together – for awhile. And then something changes, sooner or later. Conflicts begin to grow larger -- quarreling, arguments, hurting each other -- and perhaps a full-blown power struggle emerges. What happened to the romance and all those caring things you used to do for each other? "We've lost that loving feeling," as goes the song, "and it's gone, gone, gone."
It turns out, incredibly, that this is the way marriage was designed – for a very good reason and purpose.
Let me explain. A few years ago I happened upon a new way of viewing marriage and marital conflict. I was introduced to IMAGO Relationship Therapy, a new way of helping couples find the love they want, developed by Harville Hendrix.
When we are born into the world, as infants and children of imperfect parents, we don’t always get the love we want or need. No mother or father is perfect, and some are far from perfect. Most do the best they can. And so in our childhood we are loved and nurtured and cared for by them, but also sometimes and in various ways hurt and shamed and wounded by them. As we are growing up we develop a composite image of all the positive and negative characteristics of our parents (or primary care-givers). This is called our “Imago”, which we carry with us deep in our unconscious mind. Unconsciously, with our “Imago” inside us, we are seeking healing for our childhood wounds.
During the romantic period of a new relationship our unconscious “Imago” is concerned that the person we are attracted to has both the negative and positive traits of our childhood care-givers. When we find that person, somehow we know that we have found the person of our dreams. We are attracted to that person because he/she possesses many of the traits of our “Imago” (good and bad). We are drawn to this “Imago” match, because in our unconscious mind we are excited about repairing the emotional wounds from our childhood. This potential healing process, in relationship with our marriage partner, provides each of us an opportunity to grow past our own defenses and reclaim lost parts of ourselves and work on the unfinished business of our childhood.
But the romantic period inevitably ends in every relationship. And the second stage, the power struggle, begins. We find ourselves in conflict. We argue, coerce, manipulate, and try to control each other. The dream is shattered, or at least the edges are frayed. Partners now wound and re-wound each other in almost the same identical ways we were wounded by our parents. As painful as it is, this power struggle is a necessary period in every relationship, because implanted in the couple’s frustration are seeds for growth and the potential and means of healing. Repair and healing – that’s what we are unconsciously seeking.
As we’ve explained, the Romantic and Power-struggle stages are experienced for the most part on an unconscious level. We speak and act without understanding the deeper, underlying purposes. For healing and growth and change to happen, a couple needs to help each other turn their relationship into a conscious marriage. In a conscious marriage a couple sees and understands themselves and each other as wounded persons seeking healing. In a conscious marriage each partner is intentionally seeking healing and personal growth for themselves and for their partner. Conscious, intentional behavior changes will require each person to expand and grow.
This is where IMAGO relationship counseling can be of great help to a couple. The goal of IMAGO Therapy is to help couples move into a conscious, healthy, helping, growing relationship together. I am a certified Imago therapist and am excited about the possibilities that this new therapy model offers.
Most couples enter counseling in the midst of their power struggle. They feel unsafe (emotionally) with their partner, because of all the arguing and fighting. They feel a lack of passion (not just sexual passion) in their relationship. In IMAGO counseling, healthy, caring communication skills are learned so that partners can become differentiated. As a result they experience safety being restored in their relationship. Passion usually returns when safety is restored.
IMAGO counseling assists and equips couples with resources ...
> to consciously re-vision their marriage with mutual goals and dreams,
> to re-image each other as wounded,
> to restructure their frustrations into needs and to identify behaviors that will meet these needs,
> to resolve and contain their anger,
> to re-romanticize their relationship,
> to become healing instruments for each other, assisting each other to stretch and grow.
In the creation story, when the first couple were created, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18) You see, this is God’s plan and purpose -- for a couple to help each other become and live as whole, loving persons together.
The Rev. Dr. Ronald Lehenbauer is a pastoral counselor on the staff at Lutheran Counseling Center.
A PERSPECTIVE ON FAITH AND HEALING
IN PASTORAL PSYCHOTHERAPY
by Rev. Serge A. Castigliano, PhD
In my pastoral counseling training over thirty years ago little attention was given to involving religious resources or spiritual integration in the counseling process---at least not directly. It was felt that the religious identity of the practitioner was the primary bearer of the effects of faith and spirituality on the healing of the counseling process, even if imperceptible to the client. While this understanding remains an essential concept, the culture of the psychotherapy world as well as the general culture has changed. There is much more open-ness and interest, even excitement and insistence, on greater attention to spiritual matters in psychotherapy.
Over the past decade or so, significant scientific research has been conducted revealing remarkable data connecting spirituality and religious beliefs with healing--physical, mental, emotional and relational. This connection has been well documented anecdotally for centuries by religious believers of many different faith traditions. However, the world of medicine and social/behavioral sciences remained skeptical. But now with new research data available, these sciences as well as the general culture are paying attention.
The biological effects of prayer, meditation, and the dynamics associated, for example, with forgiveness in the area of relationship healing, are now well documented as aids to the healing process. Contra-evidence is also available. For example, data suggests that people who have compulsive religious practices or religious beliefs that foster anger with God or interpret life events as punishment from God have poorer mental health and are more susceptible to depression. This was also found to be the case with those for whom the spiritual aspects of their religious involvements are of secondary importance. These are but a few illustrations of an exciting new wave of research demonstrating that what goes on in one's mind i.e., belief systems and soul i.e., spiritual dimension has significant effects on health and well-being.
Fully claiming its identity as a faith-based counseling center, the LCC is giving increased attention to these matters through special spiritual integration seminars for pastoral psychotherapists as well as a greater focus on spiritual issues in the regular monthly supervisory case conferences for counseling staff.
Dr. Castigliano is the Clinical Pastoral Supervisor on the staff at Lutheran Counseling Center.
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| GOING TO COLLEGE IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY STRESSOR by Dr. Anthony Stephens |
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The point here is that the college going experience is one that occasions change, and change occasions anxiety. It was not clear what the depth of the anxiety in the family above was until they started to banter. Their experience, though, is not uncommon. There are definite stresses experienced by families when a child goes to college. Such stresses can exact a heavy psychological, emotional and spiritual toll on all concerned, but there are resources to deal with them. First, however, let me paint a picture of some of the multiple levels of college going stress.
For the young adult who goes to college the problems can be acute and may detract from not only academic achievement, but enjoyment (a reasonable goal) of the college experience if not mastered. It is certainly true that college going presents simultaneously and instantaneously both great levels of freedom and a new captivity, captivity to the institutional demands of the college. Gauging a path that optimizes use of college freedom without heightening the apparent fearsomeness of college regulation is a task that the student will need to address throughout his or her academic career. Never before has such a balancing act been so necessary. Teetering and tottering, perhaps financially, ratchets up anxiety. Heightened anxiety (and indeed depression) heightens risk of substance abuse, inappropriate association (e.g., sexual, affiliational). Depression is a risk because of loneliness, inundation, poor dietary habits, disrupted sleep patterns (all-nighters?) and the still changing metabolism of the individual. There is also, it must be said, a heightened risk of blundering into a relationship that has a quality of intimacy which is entirely inappropriate. Pressured advance of sexual debut, coercion into sexual relationship and sexual activity, and absolute violence and abuse are hallmarks of such a relationship.
This potential, I say again, potential quagmire faced by the student is matched by problems faced at home. The role of parents as caregivers is dramatically changed. If energies have been intensely focused on the child, and now this child is geographically removed, then it is not uncommon for parents to have nothing else to focus on at home but each other. Flaws swept under the carpet in the marital relationship may now become glaringly apparent. The marriage may suddenly start to appear as a holding corporation for the raising of children, and any resemblance to the lyrical qualities talked about in the marriage ceremony all those years ago is totally coincidental. Whilst this may be a trifle overstated, the temptation to focus on each other’s faults is a great one, because all that child raising has depleted the repertoire of marital intimacy.
For the rest of the family there are major changes to face that can be unsettling. Even the most dysfunctional system likes to stay the same. When the college kid breezes in and out of the house, he or she carries a new set of rules, perhaps minimal. Such rules may be at loggerheads with the parameters set in stone in the household all these years, such as curfews. Those left behind do not necessarily appreciate the limelight in which the college kid is now basking. In short, if there are already some creaky psychological, emotional and spiritual processes ongoing in the family, they may be greatly exacerbated.
I have painted a dark picture, though not necessarily an unrealistic one. Help is at hand however. This help falls under three categories: 1) spiritual, 2) communication, 3) and professional.
Rituals and routines surrounding a scheduled spiritual practice may dissipate in the face of change. This is not adaptive. Attenuating the practice of one’s faith at any time when under stress is going precisely in the wrong direction. I am grateful to my father for sending me devotional booklets when I was away at college. It was a persistent reminder to turn to God for help, and yes, forgiveness. A deepened relationship with God can actually be one of the great blessings that is unveiled through the stresses of college going. Where questions of faith are exposed through college going, this is the time to speak to competent clergy, or a pastoral counselor. At the Lutheran Counseling Center, for instance, the combination of clinical training, pastoral heart, and spiritual integration enable our pastoral counselors to be a valuable resource.
Communication becomes important. Stay in touch with each other. E-mail is good for this, but use e-mail to listen to each other not to direct or badger. Above all, communication should be about communicating love and belonging, not a way of extending influence across the miles. Parents and families often need to find new ways to communicate with each other. Sometimes the silence can be deafening, or the squabbling a cacophony. If communication is a problem, then obtaining professional help may dramatically re-orient family and marital life.
Professional help is widely available. Campuses have pastors, mental health counselors, resources against sexual harassment and violence and a variety of other programs to help the student adjust or overcome situational crisis. These all offer support. Use of such support is not an indication of personal shortcoming or a scarlet letter of inadequacy, but rather a sign of wisdom in using tools appropriate for a task. Similar resources exist off campus for the parents and family. It may be a very wise couple or family that enlists help to weather the stresses of college going. A stitch in time may indeed save nine.
At the Lutheran Counseling Center there are satellites close to many of the college campuses in the Metropolitan area. Our counselors stand as a valuable resource in facing the many levels of stress of college going.
The Rev. Dr. Anthony Stephensis a Pastoral Counselor on the staff
at The Lutheran Counseling Center
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| WHEN THE GLADNESS OF MARRIAGE BECOMES OVERCAST by Thomas S. Taylor |
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Marriage ceremonies are traditionally times of great joy, celebration, and merriment. So much so that one little sobering statement about the all-too prevailing reality of marriage and partnership usually goes unnoticed. Our Lutheran marriage rite includes the words because of sin, our age-old rebellion, the gladness of marriage can be overcast and the gift of the family can become a burden. (from the Lutheran Rite of Marriage). Though few people want to be reminded of it at the time, the unvarnished truth is that the joy of the wedding ceremony often turns into a burdened marriage that becomes a flourishing source of grief. When I officiate at marriages and say those words I am reminded how that sad reality includes me and the couple standing before me.
SUSTENANCE AND RESTORATION
I sometimes recoil because this painful reality triggers a fear in me which seems out of place just as the couple announces their intentions to share their life together. But there it is – our best intentions standing side by side with our worst fears. They do not, however, stand alone because God stands beside them. God, who established marriage, and continues still to bless it with abundant and ever-present support, so that we can be sustained in our weariness and have our joy restored. (from the Lutheran Rite of Marriage).
PROMISES, PROMISES
Then as the presiding pastor I turn to the couple and say, if it is your intention to share with each other your joys and sorrows and all that the years will bring, with your promises bind yourselves together as husband and wife. (from the Lutheran Rite of Marriage). I have little doubt at that moment a couple intends, with all their heart, to keep their promise. Yet, our best intentions cannot guarantee that we will, in fact, fulfill these promises. We are, after all, human. God, no doubt, can keep God’s promise to bless and support our partnership “until death parts us”. It is that promise and support we humans rely on to fulfill our promises.
WHAT WILL RESURRECTION LOOK LIKE?
When a couple in crises sits in their pastor’s office they are often struggling with their inability to keep their intended promise. And we, as their pastor, are biased. We want to help them keep their promise. We want their joy sustained and restored. We want to witness a resurrection of the relationship from the despair that has clouded their joy.
Sometimes, however, our preconceived vision of what resurrection will look like for a couple is incorrect. Only by listening to couples tell their own story can we begin to see what resurrection, for them, looks like. For some couples, finding new ways to deal with old patterns can begin to lift the burden and allow joy to return. These new ways may include improved communication practices, recovery from an addiction, or discovering more constructive ways to address family conflicts. For other couples, the only chance for joy being restored includes the need to separate – temporarily or permanently. In the case of a physically violent relationship, usually the only hope for restoration and resurrection is for the individuals to separate in order to break the vicious cycle of violence. The death of a relationship is always sad, but may be the only road to resurrection.
More important than trying to impose my vision, is to welcome a couple into a process of restoration and let the resurrection emerge. This process begins by the creation of a grace filled space and relationship. Through the pastor or pastoral counselor a couple needs to experience first hand God’s love, acceptance, forgiveness and reconciliation. By what we say and do, we are God’s Word of restoration and resurrection. However, being that Word of grace is easier said than done.
RESTORATION IN UNEXPECTED FORMS
Offering a grace filled space and relationship requires us to put aside our own biases and expectations. One couple I worked with related to each other in a manner that I felt would not sustain the relationship. I didn’t always understand their dynamic. Yet, as their ability to listen and talk with each other improved, they found their enjoyment of each other restored and they choose to continue their relationship.
When we are able to listen without being distracted with our own unspoken agenda, we offer a rare glimpse of God’s unconditional grace. We also offer a rare glimpse of God’s unconditional acceptance when we don’t judge and blame. My experience is that more than enough blame has already been slung by the time a couple seeks help. Instead of judgment and blame, a couple needs to experience being heard and recognized. Employing communication skills like active listening (restating what the other said) and assertiveness (“I want” statements) helps a couple restore that crucial sense of being heard and recognized.
THE PROMISE OF RESURRECTION
Through counseling couples can recover and discover their God given strengths and assets. Difficult relationships bruise self-esteem and deplete personal resources. Abusive relationships, in particular, have a devastating effect on an individual’s sense of worth. When resurrection is experienced one’s self-esteem and self-worth is restored. Resurrection reaffirms that through our baptism we became one of God’s precious children. With the help of counseling, healthy couples often are able to establish new patterns that build upon each member’s strengths, thereby benefiting both the individuals and the couple. Whether a relationship is restored or broken, I believe God’s intention for those individuals does not end. Resurrection is God’s promise – a promise of life, a promise that always works to restore joy.
INVALUABLE GIFT
Rarely can a couple in distress restore their relationship as fast as Jesus rose from the dead – within three days or even three sessions. Rarely is a couple’s experience limited to a single problem or issue. Rarely do pastors have enough time or training to offer in depth counseling. But, by offering a taste of grace filled counseling, the pastor has offered a couple an invaluable gift. Having received a foretaste a couple can be encouraged to seek a more intensive professional counseling relationship. As pastors and pastoral counselors we cannot offer couples the promise of no divorce, but we can proclaim the promise of God’s love and forgiveness that will ultimately restore joy.
Thomas S Taylor, S.T.M., Ph.D.,is a Pastoral Counselor on the staff at
The Lutheran Counseling Center.
THE PASSIONATE MESSENGER
by Alan F. Steinke
Anger is not a disorder, a flaw, or a sin. Anger is an emotion and like any emotion it is natural, normal, and purposeful. Unlike many other emotions it is charged with enormous, often intense energy. If love is a bicycle-built-for-two, anger can be an intercontinental ballistic missile-it literally has the energy to cause great destruction between continents, as evidenced by current geopolitical realities. This is not to suggest that anger is the opposite of love, but only that its energy includes the potential for swift and deep harm.
It is precisely this energy that prompts us to "manage" it, or more likely it prompts us to avoid it. Anger is generally viewed negatively as dangerous, fearsome, painful, hurtful, unsociable, unwanted, irrational, immature, embarrassing, and impolite. How can we manage such a beast? Anger's image is so monstrous that many (most?) of us want to avoid it altogether. We hide and shun and ban it. We minimize and stigmatize and ostracize it. These strategies may work in the short term within the self and between the self and others, but they hardly qualify as "management." In fact, they constitute anger's mismanagement.
There is a need to identify anger's positive qualities. Like all emotions, anger is God-given. It is part of the image of God in which humankind is created. Anger is a gift. We need anger to survive in a world that is often perilous and cruel. We need anger for self-protection. Hypothetically, if an enemy tyrant devised a method to take away our ability to feel anger, he would possess an annihilating weapon more powerful and swift and efficient than any bomb or germ. Anger's primal function is self-preservation.
Anger is a passionate messenger that lets us know that personal boundaries may have been violated. It is a wake-up call that alerts us to a perceived threat to our rights, status, efficacy, or personal domain. Once we hear from the messenger we must interpret its message and formulate a response. It is the formulation of this response that is its "management." But there can be no accurate formulation or effective management without first feeling anger as good and natural. Anger is a gift. Anger is good. And you can be good and angry. Anger doesn't have to hurt anyone. Anger is energy for self-protection. Anger is often a stimulus to productive communication. Anger is often a precursor to enhanced understanding. Anger is often a motivator for the pursuit of justice. First get to know your passionate messenger and its real purpose, and then you will be ready to work on being its successful manager.
Rev. Alan F. Steinke, M.Div., MSW; RCSW, is a Pastoral Counselor on the staff at Lutheran Counseling Center.
Got the Winter Blues? Or are you SAD? The Rev. Thomas S. Taylor, LCSWR, Ph.D |
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Ardis, interviewed on WNYC’s The Infinite Mind, has suffered from seasonal affective disorder (SAD) for more than 50 years. Her energy level plummets in the wintertime. “Just getting up [and] dressed”, she says, “in the morning takes twice as long in the wintertime.” Because everything takes longer she prepares for winter like a “squirrel or a bear… I get stuff together. I get toilet paper together. I get food that is going to keep together. And I'd work it out so that lots of times in the winter maybe I go to the grocery once a month.
Of course, most of us feel some “winter blues”, especially after the frenetic holidays. However, Ardis describes how the “winter blues” for 25% of the population don’t just go away. They suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – a cyclic, seasonal condition in which less light in the winter triggers feelings of depression, lethargy, craving for sweets and starches, and other problems, severely impairing their daily lives. Although the cause is uncertain, it’s likely that, according to the Mayo Clinic, genetics, age and, most importantly, one’s body’s natural chemical makeup all play a role in SAD. Women are at higher risk than men.
But we don’t have to be sad about SAD. It’s treatable. There are a number of actions we can take to help manage it. The Mayo Clinic’s Embody Health web site suggests …
• Let there be light. Make your home sunnier and brighter. For more severe symptoms there is light (or photo) therapy with special light boxes or lamps.
• Get out. Get outdoors on sunny days, even during winter.
• Exercise regularly. Physical exercise helps relieve stress and anxiety.
• Take care of yourself. Get enough rest, eat a balanced diet and take time to relax. Don't turn to alcohol or unprescribed drugs for relief.
• Practice stress management. Learn how to better manage stress.
• Socialize. Stay connected with people you enjoy being around.
• Take a trip. If possible, take winter vacations in sunny, warm locations.
• Stick to your treatment plan. Take medications as directed and attend therapy as scheduled.
Since SAD is, by definition, seasonal and recurring, it’s important to pay attention to your own symptom pattern and seek help early to minimize its effect. Contact the Lutheran Counseling Center (516.741.0994 or 800.317.1173) to get help to identify and treat SAD. Our ministry and prayer is to help shine the light into the darkness of our lives.
The author gratefully acknowledges permission to use material from the December 2004 Counselor’s Feature, “More than the Holiday Blues,” by the Rev. Martha Jacobi, LCSW-R, former Lutheran Counseling Center Psychotherapist.
The Rev. Thomas S. Taylor, LCSWR, Ph.D., Pastoral Psychotherapist, Lutheran Counseling Center in Manhattan. 917.886.6399.
This I believe:
I believe in the power of failure
Thomas S. Taylor, LCSWR, Ph.D.
“Last week my granddaughter began kindergarten, and, as is conventional, I wished her success. I was lying. What I actually wished for her was failure. I believe in the power of failure. Success is boring. Success is proving you can do something you already know you can do. Or doing something correctly for the first time, which can be a problematical victory. First time success is a fluke. First time failure, by contrast, is expected. It is the natural order of things. Failure is how we learn. I have been told of the Af